The CAAGe ‘How to…’ series
Spot the Signs of Adult Grooming
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Pointers and red flags indicating adult grooming
If grooming was easy to spot, life would be easy. But it’s not.
So here are a few pointers.
We’ve adapted the seven stages of grooming detailed in Grant Sinnamon’s Psychology of Adult Sexual Grooming to form a framework here, but be aware that the stages aren’t always clearly defined or linear, and different types of grooming may have different characteristics.
Victim selection;
Research;
Creating personal connection (building trust);
Meeting needs, establishing credentials;
Priming the target;
The ask (In adult sexual grooming, this may be instigating sexual contact; for other types of grooming it may be money, information, access….)
Controlling the victim.
Red flags
The full on lists that follow may initially seem daunting, so we’ve assembled some of the most common signs (‘red flags’) to help:
Relationship moves on very fast/intensely or seems too good to be true - ‘Soul mates’ - you feel like you’ve met the other half of you (Can be a sign of ‘lovebombing’)
The person has you doing things, even tiny ones, that you wouldn’t normally do. (boundary testing), or bigger ones that lead to shared complicity (so you won’t tell later)
Requesting money before you’ve met - even a small amount
Power imbalances - in their favour
Your ‘sixth sense’ says ‘somethings off’ - listen to it
Refusal to meet up in person (or to video call, although even meeting on a video call can now be scammed)
Shared secrets/revelations very early in friendship/relationship
Things being said that have you questioning your own moral compass/memory (‘gaslighting’)
Mad, sad, bad exes- laying the ground so that if those people try and contact you, you won’t talk to them/believe them
Subtly building a story of why not to cross them in the background (gang members in family, access to arms, being a great marksman, previous revenge tactics and the like)
(1) Signs you’re being selected for grooming
Firstly - if you are selected by a groomer, it’s not about you, it’s about them knowing what you want. Somehow, they’ve worked out what it is that you want - and they’'ll use that to get to you.
Maybe, as in the case of ‘cuckooing’, they’ve spotted a loneliness or a kindness that they can exploit. (Our ‘mate crime’ page explains more.) Perhaps they’ve seen that you want to be a model or have power over your acting career. Perhaps they’ve spotted that you want to do well at work, or love animals. Just wanting something - and let’s face it, that’s pretty much all of us - means we have a chink that can be exploited. Let’s also be clear about it: this is on them, not you!
For example, dating sites can be great places to meet someone. It’s complex deciding who matches who, but can be great fun, and end up in love, a hook up, whatever two consenting adults want if the stars align. But by joining them, we have taken some of the work away from the groomer. They don’t have to guess what you want. You told them when you joined a dating site. We reiterate: this is on them, not you. Wanting a partner is the most natural thing in the World. There is nothing wrong with that. Sure, we’d like the dating sites to up their game a little, but ultimately, blame lies with the wrongdoer for wrongdoing. It simply pays to be wary.
How can you avoid being targetted? You can’t. Our ongoing research into adult grooming has clearly demonstrated that you couldn’t be more normal or represeantative of the population if you’ve been groomed.
You can look out for some ‘red flags’ though:
online approaches from people with no connections, or very few, to you or your friends;
online approaches from people with jobs abroad or offshore, such as oil rig workers or military personnel - jobs where people are away a lot, can be away from you for a long time if they’re forming a relationship, or travel a lot and can seemingly legitimately be taking time away;
they start talking a lot about money when you’ve only just met. Particularly in British culture, this can be a warning sign. We tend to be fairly private about finances;
big age differences: particularly for the under 25’s, being targetted by someone older with a large age difference can be a warning sign for coercive or controlling behaviours. Not always - happy age gap relationships can happen and be perfectly happy - but eyes need to be wide open when there’s a chance of manipulation. The same applies to being targetted by someone much younger - an out of the blue ‘sexy’ connection, or a growing friendship by someone young with someone elderly- can raise alarm bells.
power imbalance: power imbalances happen when someone who is a boss/manager, or holds a position of authority and/or trust such as a coach, preacher, healthcare professional, police officer, therapist, teacher or lecturer, with direct responsibility for/authority over the person they are trying to form a relationship with. We would add to this the owners and managers of entertainment venues often frequented by young adults. Turning 18 doesn’t suddenly give you magical powers of discernment - those are learned, often the hard way, and our research demonstrates that a disproprtionate number of younger people are groomed. As our brains don’t stop developing until we reach the age of 25, normally, we won’t have the experience to spot something off.
celebrities. This is a very clear red flag. If a celebrity approaches you online, they are 99.9999% unlikely to be genuine. (For a seriously funny - or should we say funnily serious? - read on the topic, we heartily recommend ‘Keanu Reeves is Not In Love With You’.)
Whilst there may be legitimate reasons for SOME of these things, alarm bells should be ringing, albeit sometimes very gently, in the background.
You cannot tell a groomer from the colour of their skin or other appearance, whatever people talking about grooming gangs may suggest. Jeffrey Epstein was apparently rich, successful, fine upstanding member of society, hobnobbing with elites.
Helpful notes
A reverse image search can help reveal if a photo of someone presented to you as genuine on a dating or social media site is who they purport to be. It’s not, of course, foolproof, but it’s a great first pass.
Many workplaces have rules regarding relationships with staff or customers. Whilst it pays to get to know the rules, these approaches can be really hard to deal with. If you’re unsure, confide in the first instance with a friend or relative outside of the situation (not another team member, peers or managers of the ‘suitor’). They can help you decide whether this is acceptable or not, with no kickback or repurcussions.
Whilst some ‘Russian Brides’ type sites may successfully introduce you to someone who becomes your partner, we have repeatedly seen men completely ripped off, even to the point of losing their homes. IF you choose to go this kind of route to meet a partner, bear in mind that this is very transactional. You may be seeking love, but whilst this MAY be part of the women’s motivation, they are more normally looking for security and an exit from Russia (or wherever - ThaiBrides, for example.)
This stage is absolutely the best stage to walk away from a groomer - although you may be wishful, and full of hopes and dreams, you won’t be as invested in them as they’ll make you later. And like leaving other kinds of domestic abuse, there can be a backlash when you try and leave a groomer. It’s not always a black eye, but can still do long term damage to your wellbeing.
(2) Signs someone’s researching you
So you’ve met someone. It’s pretty normal to check them out online and make sure they’re genuine. Maybe not right off the bat, but if it looks like a new friendship or relationship might be going somewhere, they’re likely to look you up online, and to ask you questions to get to know you. And you them.
‘How much is too much?’ is a fine dividing line. Maybe they know your best friend and asked about you. Maybe they looked you up online and found out you won an award when you were 16 for yodelling. We live our lives online, and it’s normal to want to know more.
Red flags are hard to spot at this stage, but it pays to think what’s appropriate and/or expected.
And sometimes it’s almost imperceptible.
It’s pretty normal to look online for information about someone you’ve never met in person or have no existing connection with before entering a relationship with them. So don’t be alarmed if you can see they’ve looked at your LinkedIn profile or ‘friended’ you on Facebook or even liked something you’ve posted. Just remain aware that they’re there.
Your sports coach, health care professional etc shouldn’t, however, be looking for more information about you without good reason (for example, you’ve missed three training sessions claiming to be ill, but they suspect ‘ill’ is hungover and don’t know if you deserve someone else’s place on the team -although frankly they should be talking to you in person); relationships between health care professionals and patients are a strict ‘no’, and pastors/religious leaders should be; your boss doesn’t need any personal information about you.
In the early stages of a relationship, asking lots of ‘getting to know you’ questions is normal. It can feel very flattering when someone spends an entire hour on the phone, for example, just asking questions. But sit back and ask yourself whether you’re getting answers to the questions you ask about them. Are there subjects you can’t touch on? Changed subjects
Bigger red flags are someone asking about your money/wealth, or trying to get close to you when someone has died. If someone’s met you on a dating site or online, and speaks to you every day but hasn’t arranged to meet you yet, it can be a sign that they’re information gathering. (There may, of course, be a more logical reason, but improbable excuses include having to go away for work for extended periods of time or having to look after sick or elderly relatives with no support.)
Serious red flags at the early start of a relationship would include wanting to know where you are all of the time, even if framed caringly. Or, having only just met, they’re ‘friending’/following all of your connections in social spaces.
Helpful notes
Apart from legal regulations, regulated professions, or workplace policies - all of which which offer a framework for forming acceptable relationships - our research shows clearly that at this stage of adult grooming we often ignore our own intuition - our ‘spidey senses’ telling us this is a little off. (For some, rule breaking may even be appealing.) BUT…. Listen to those voices.
If someone’s clearly found out out more about you than you’d expect them to have, never be afraid to ask them how they knew. You might end up having a giggle about the silly quiz they’re doing for the next team meeting if they work with you. But you might, also, be able to avoid being sucked into a difficult situation.
Ask yourself why you’re suspecting something’s not right. And listen to the answer, however hard that may be. Trust us on this one: finding yourself groomed into something else will be far worse than the loss of a friendship or romance that never had time to grow.
Trust your instinct - it’s the sum of your experience and knowledge to date.
(3) Creating personal connection (trust)
Groomers can only ‘succeed’ in acheiving their goal if they earn your trust, creating a personal connection.
We can all, generally, find SOMETHING in common with someone else with a little work and empathy.
But successful groomers have often failed multiple times before they succeed, learning from each failure. For example, a financial groomer from India using a dating site to ‘catfish’/hunt his prey might give themselves away with something culturally different, like boasting about looking after parents. Whilst we do that in the UK, having dependent parents may sometimes be seen as a relationship handicap when compared to some Indian cultures where it’s seen as a caring obligation that shows responsibility and reliability. The groomer will soon learn how to phrase things differently on the strength of their international exposure, or to target specific groups of people who might be more receptive.
Sometimes (often) someone will present as a romantic partner. Our research has shown that this can be particularly devastating to the victim. On top of parting with whatever it is the groomer has sought (money, right to remain, sex, power…. the motivations are varied), they given their trust and sometimes their hearts, homes and access to their families, including children. This is the bigger damage to the individual than the loss of, for example, money.
Red flags at this stage of grooming might be just too many coincidences - same favourite foods, pet with the same name, family member who looks like you, favourite charity is a cause you connect deeply with. These are all natural connections that come out in conversation, and may, indeed, be true, but if you feel like you’ve met your ‘soulmate’ in a very short time because of these multiple coincidences, you probably haven’t. (See also: Groomer tactics- mirroring.)
If it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t true.
Helpful notes
If there are just too many coincidences, or something seems too good to be true, heed those ‘spidey sense’ warning bells, and back off or proceed with caution.
If someone is asking you a lot of questions about, for example, your work, is this information you should really be sharing? If the answer is no, think hard about motivations. We have heard repeated stories of people forming friendships with salespeople (both male and female) from another stand at an exhibition/conference, only to find out later that they’ve been groomed into a relationship for access to competitor information ahead of a large bid, or to find out competitor information.
Dating apps always suggest staying online and having conversations there, and this is good advice to a point. But to avoid being catfished or played, we reverse that advice. We suggest that before a serious first date, you meet for a cup of coffee. Tell your new friend that you only have an hour, and try to stick to it. It may, of course, go over, but there are very few people whose company is so painful you can’t countdown to an hour or thereabouts. You will then know that you haven’t been catfished, that the person is who they say they are, and, bonus, you can see how they treat waiting staff/interact with others.
If it feels right, even tell them why you want to do things this way. They’ll be on their best behaviour (so will you!) but some falsehoods about who they are/what they look like will quickly be flushed out.
The biggest red flag at this stage probably lies within you. If you are feeling strong emotions for someone you’ve not even met yet or barely know, it could be a sign that you’re being manipulated. It could just be heart flutters of course, but romance scammers are arch manipulators, and know the sciences of making you fall in love with them.
This ‘personal connection’ stage can be really tough for onlookers, who can sometimes see what’s happening and find it difficult to witness a friend or family member getting closer to someone they don’t feel they can trust. The sooner you raise a concern, the more likely it is to be heard. The trouble is that someone may not want to come to you for help later for fear of the ‘I told you so’. Once they’re embroiled, your only successful course of action is often to watch it out and be there with an open door when the end is revealed. Approaching the groomer’s target at this stage is likely to cause damage to your own relationship with them. If this is you, it’s a judgement call and unfortunately there is no one answer.
(4) Meeting needs, establishing credentials
Meeting Needs
The unpalatable truth about grooming is that at some stage it feels good.
Maybe it’s the feeling of being in love. Maybe it’s having a new best friend. Maybe it’s feeling listened to, or being made to feel attractive.
Love bombing feels SO good.
But if it always felt bad, more people would walk away early.
Remember, these are all ok and very natural feelings to have. There is nothing wrong with you for having been targetted. Our data proves this!! All it takes for someone to groom you is for you to want something. It might be romance. It may be company. It may be promotion at work. Whatever it is, it’s a chink that groomers will exploit if they target you. Or they may even create a need/want you didn’t know you had, like wanting a luxury lifestyle, having someone adore you, winning a competition, the dog you were never allowed as a child….
So a very necessary stage for a groomer to succeed is for them to establish their own credentials….
Establishing Credentials
This can be incredibly subtle, and will depend on how the groomers is operating. For the groomer who is already well known within their own circles, or within their target’s circles, life is easier, but for newbies, they have to build their credentials.
This may be creating online, profiles for themselves: treat people whose social media profiles are new and full only of pictures of themselves with caution. If they have no friends or followers, or are men with only female contacts - this may have a logical reason, but is often a red flag (See notes under (1) Selection, above).
Most of the people (mainly women) that we’ve spoken with who have been lured into marriages by (mainly) attractive African men who are playing a long game, wanting to get their Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK, have met their groomer’s families. Often there’s a ‘sister’ with a young child (actually a partner with a child, but complicit). For the victim this is cruel. At their own wedding, they are surrounded by people who know the truth about the reasons for the marriage. They are treated like queens (but at the end of a legal waiting period will find themselves dethoned, and owing money to their ‘husband’ as part of the divorce settlement - if they haven’t already been funding a lifestle for their partners). Yet why wouldn’t they have believed it? How can anyone expect that the entire wedding party is complicit in a deceit?
Can we not believe in love across ages and cultures? Of course we can. But we can also have our wits about us: prenuptial agreements for you to keep your house in case of divorce, for example (but get it done by a GOOD legal professional as there are loopholes).
We’ve jumped ahead of ourselves here - but it’s important to understand that groomers often embed themselves into their targets lives in ways that are emotionally damaging to the victime when things finally unravel)
Helpful notes
We hate to be boring and repeat ourselves, but heed those ‘spidey sense’ warning bells, and back off or proceed with caution.
A few signs that someone is grooming might include:
boastfulness;
secrecy;
repeating the same story over;
asking technical questions about an image they sent you (may be checking to see that they’ve properly removed identifying data);
arrangements to meet constantly cancelled at last minute;
odd stories/ out of context stories that you are unsure why you are being told;
evasiveness over living address, personal details, exes;
odd/unexplained looks exchanged between their friends;
contradictions in stories/changed details (bearing in mind that they probably haven’t given a blow by blow account of events/context of telling - not laying it all out at once is natural).
(5) Priming the target
The groomers life would be so much easier if they didn’t have to put any work in. But for many groomers, that would also take away some of the joy. The challenge is their motivation.
How they prime their victims, a bit like fattening a goose before it ends up on a dinner plate, depends on a variety of things. How they met. What their objective is. And the personality and background of their intended victim.
Once they’ve selected their target(s), they will begin working on them, establishing trust, creating a connection that seems to benefit the target.
So now they start priming them for what they really want.
There will be an element of both ‘stick and carrot’, persuading the victim to do something they wouldn’t normally do, but also with an element of threat. They are normally initially small but significant steps to prove that the target is ‘on side’.
Examples might be:
“if you won’t do x,y,z for me, I’ll find someone who will/who loves me more.” This might be sexual coercion, or handing over a small bit of money (ahead of full on fraud) or information;
apologetically asking you as a last resort to bail them out of a problem, perhaps stuck at an airport, a loan because their pay cheque is delayed. Refusal would demonstrate a lack of caring or lack of trust (warming for financial grooming);
persuading a ‘romantic partner’ to have sex with their ‘best friend’ as a test for whether they might be ‘pimpable’ (grooming into prostitution);
starting to give so much that they make the recipient feel indebted (which they will subtly reinforce, of course).
Helpful notes
No-one should be asking you to sends money when you’ve never met them. It’s OK to say no;
Rig workers are never abandoned or expected to pay their own way back (and even if they were, these are close, well paid communities who can afford to help each other out),
Being asked to ‘prove’ you love someone by buying things, having sex with someone else, sending naked picturess or in any other way overstepping the boundaries you would normally set in the early stages of a relationship; if they love you as they claim (if that’s their game), the minimum you expect is that they honour the word ‘no’;
Are there unwritten rules to your relationship: things you can’t ask without being accused of not trusting or not loving, a belittling if you try and post pictures of you together on social media, for example? If so, think carefully why this might be.
If you are a stage where this has already happened, remember this isn’t about you being stupid. It’s about them manipulating, cleverly.
(6) The Ask
The ask can go one of two ways.
It will either be an activity that you willingly enter into, like handing over money or sleeping with someone without knowing the reality of the relationship.
Or it can be an activity that escalates into something that you have been persuaded into under false pretences, such as the dream of a fabulous new community that turns out to be a cult, or the dream of a cause that turns out to be fighting for/supporting an extremist cause, being forced into prostitution or a modelling contract that turns out to be something else entirely.
In the first instance, you are unlikely to know immediately that there’s an issue and may even enjoy the experience, which has been designed to dupe you.
In either case, your relationship is likely only to last as long as you are useful to the groomer.
Helpful notes
When you find out you have been groomed, it can be shocking.
If you can’t find the help you need on the pages here, or a suggestion of where you might get appropriate help and support, please contact us, and we’ll do what we can to put this right.
(7) Controlling the Victim
By this stage of the groomer’s game, the victim will either be wondering what happened, and why they were suddenly dropped, or know all too well that they’ve been groomed.
Groomers will try and control their victim in the way that suits them.
In the case of adult sexual grooming, they often discard, and often to a planned timetable. Perhaps that’s because of the victims age. Maybe it’s because they’re part of a group that ‘does that’. (There are organised groups online that offer advice, share information and help cover each other’s backs.) Having believed in the relationship, with a dream of ‘happy ever after’, they are suddenly dumped, ghosted, sometimes threatened into secrecy.
In the case of financial grooming, a common pattern is for the groomer to hang on for as long as they can, to take as much money s they can. The ‘dump’ usually comes when the victim becomes aware of their mal-intent, but also regularly happens when they have moved onto their next target. Victims may feel ashamed at having been duped and so say nothing. Or may be threatened about what will happen if they tell. Or be guilt tripped by their groomer.
Where a victim has been lured into a cult, all kinds of manipulative tactics are used to keep followers and leavers in line.
Someone being prostituted by their groomer will find it very hard to leave. Exiting is hard, and sometimes dangerous.
Being groomed into extremism is very hard to escape. It is hard to leave any groomer. One who is armed can be fatally dangerous.
The groomer who has selected someone to marry with a view to obtaining their indefinite leave to remain is playing a long game. They’ll happily enjoy being married until a few weeks after their leave to remain, when suddenly they’ll demand a separation or divorce - and half of their target’s wealth (or a strong financial incentive to go away).
‘Mate crime’ groomers generally want to hold on for as long as they can, and will use emotional abuse to keep the victim tied to them.
People abusing their position of power or authority will usually have a hold over their victim’s future/career to persuade them into silence or continued grooming.
However they’ve groomed, and whatever they’ve been groomed into, the groomer will, once busted, aim to control their target, maintain their silence.
Helpful notes
Look for the helpers. There are lots out there, including us at CAAGe.
Leaving may not be simple, but can be done.
The backlash can be awful, and any fight for justice can be traumatising.
So we’ll reiterate: ask for help. CAAGe is not the only survivor lead organisation set up to help. There are a growing number of suggestions for people who might help on this website, and please feel free to suggest any that have been useful to you. It may take time to find the right help, but we’ll do our best.