How to:
Disclosure
Deciding who and what to tell
Part of the CAAGe ‘Life After Grooming’ Series
Page under construction
On this page (Contents)
We’ve taken an almost workbook approach on your behalf at CAAGe:
Deciding who to tell - or not to tell - and how is one of the single most important decisions you will make after being groomed. Some of these questions may not be relevant for you. Others may resonate differently. And we’re trying to cover a lot of different types of grooming on a single page.
You’re in control. You decide what to reveal and who to. This is is simply a few prompts to help YOU get the best outcome for YOU.
When we first started CAAGe, we’d have advocated for everyone getting their story out there. Today we’re more circumspect.
The truth, learned by bitter experience in some cases, is that you should make the choices about what to disclose and to whom based on information and what’s right for YOU. Whilst it’s natural to be concerned about other people being affected by the same thing if you leave your groomer ‘undisclosed’, the very people that you are trying to protect can/may turn on you rather than supporting you, no matter what capacity they are helping in.
May!
Not always, of course.
That’s why we’re asking these questions and making notes on things for you to consider given your own set of circumstances and understanding of the situation.
A few principles to consider:
You owe nothing to anyone except yourself. The grooming was the fault of the groomer. You do not have to become a superhero and save the rest of the World unless that’s right for you.
People will surprise you. Some may react/act in the ways you anticipate. Others may surprise you by being lovely when you least expected, or victim blaming when you expected empathy. That’s on them, not you. Their decisions may affect you. But however hard it may seem, try not to let them live, rent free, in your brain. If you trust people, and they breach that trust, that speaks volumes about them, not you.
(And they can do breach trust accidebntally or with good intent, of course.)
Whatever you expect the justice system to be, it probably isn’t. ‘Justice’ is a big word. In the UK we have a legal system. Whilst headway is being made by advocates and legal professionals, it remains an uncomfortable truth that it is known as the ‘criminal justice system’ for a reason. Quite rightly, we don’t want people wrongly incarcerated or having their lives destroyed. This can be very harsh on victims.
Expect to feel a little ‘lonely’ or ‘on your own’ at times. This is a normal part of life, and part of the process of healing. And yes, we all need to heal. Finding out you’ve been groomed is like a knife cut: sometimes the wound will be superficial and heal quickly, allowing you to go on almost as normal, just an inconvenient blip. Other times it will cut deep and maybe even be life threatening. Either way, if you don’t treat the wound, at least clean it up, it may get infected, leaving you with bigger problems. Don’t let the groomer win by not looking after yourself. They’ve done enough already.
Your story is yours. You can tell it your way, and the better you do this, the better the outcome will be. This is hard when you are shocked, tired, traumatised. It’s OK to take your time and do things at a pace that’s right for you.
This is not a competition. What’s happened to you personally may (outwardly) not seem as serious as someone who has been trafficked and physically abused, for example, or vice versa. Don’t compare. Someone in the latter situation may be so grateful to be released that they are left with nothing but relief. Someone who has been duped into sex with someone once - seemingly legally and consensually - as part of a groomer’s powerplay may not seem to be on the same scale of injury from the outside looking in, but the betrayal of their personal values and self questioning may cause the victim lifelong damage. Or vice versa. Your experience is yours.
Look for the helpers. There are always helpers. It may take time to find them. It may be hit and miss when you are dealing with organisations offering help. (We include ourselves at CAAGe in this. We don’t always have the resources to help as much as we would like.) But this sector is full of people with lived experience trying to help others find their way. Help is there. It may just take a while to find the right person. Stick with it.
Sometimes disclosure can feel more traumatising than the grooming itself, even keep you stuck in a cycle of constantly dealing with the fallout, but considered carefully in advance, telling your story, your way means you have some degree of control, are prepared for ny backlash, and can decide what you do, and don’t want to reveal.
Who to tell, how to tell, where and when to tell, IF to tell are your decisions, and yours alone. And important.
Do what’s right for you, and at CAAGe we hope these questions may help.
Who groomed me?
Do I know them and their families/friends?
If they are embedded into my life, how will a disclosure sit with the people around me? Can /will the groomer poison their thoughts? What could help reduce the effect of this?
Would disclosure be dangerous for me or anyone around me? Is there anything I can do to lessen that risk?
Is the groomer vindictive, psychopathic, violent?
Do you really know who they are? Do you think they may have lied about being in a relationship/married? Have they used their real name?
If you are unsure about who your groomer really is, Google is - or can be - your friend. (Other search engines are, of course, available!)
It’s not stalking to look up their name and their telephone number in a search and a reverse search image will tell you if they are using other names/aliases. You have been groomed and this is important information
What do I believe my groomer wants/wanted?
Is your groomer likely to do this again? If they groomed to get information to steal a valuable painting in a daring museum heist, for example, chances are they won’t do it again unless stealing to order. If they’ve groomed for power, control or money, there may be every chance they’ll be repeat offenders.
Have they acheived what they set out to do? If not, what might they do to acheive their goals?
Am I safe? Are those around me safe?
Does their aim affect other people? If so, would warning those people be an option? What problems could contacting theses people cause for me or others?
Remember, it’s not a duty for you to put yourself at risk to warn others.
Do what’s right and safe for you, weighing up any potential costs and benefits (both financial and personal).
It’s alright not to know what they really wanted.
Not everyone does. Not everyone wants to.
If they ‘pimped’you, lured you into a cult or stole your money, that may form part of the answer. You may know, feel or sense that there is more. And it’s OK to feel pity for them as well as the other emotions you’re feeling.
But, whilst obvious, it may just be part of the picture. Sometimes you may feel like Alice in Wonderland or the White Rabbit - fallen down a hole into a parallel World where reality is very different to what you expect.
Finding out what they wanted may be part of your personal journey to recovery. It may equally be better for you to leave it alone and try to move on. YOUR choice. Do what you think is best for you.
You have had an awful experience.
You are the victim.
Only you can know what you need to make sense of it or move on - and that may also change over time.
Criminality?
Was anything the groomer did illegal? (Does location matter?)
Have they done illegal things that are unrelated to their grooming, such as tax evasion or theft?
What evidence do I have - or could I obtain - if I chose to disclose?
What would/could/might happen if the police were involved?
Has the groomer made me in some way complicit? And if so, would the consequences be less if I came clean now rather than waiting to potentially be caught?
What harms are being/have been created? (Driving too fast is illegal, but would you report someone for speeding on an empty motorway at night?)
How many people are involved in the grooming?
Would telling the police create a risk for you? Can that be mitigated (made less)?
Would telling the police create risk(s) to anyone else?
Do you need legal support?
There are CAAGe guides in development on this site that might help you:
What do I want to acheive?
What you hope to acheive by disclosing what has happened will vary with your situation, and with time.
But knowing what you want to acheive, rather than just reacting, can save you a lot of time, heartache and money.
Some questions/pointers, might include:
Do I need some counselling while I try and make sense of what happened? (And to help me work out how and if disclosing is right for me.)
If the groomer(s) took money, am I trying to recoup my losses?
Am I trying to stop them doing this again, or to someone else?
Is there someone I am trying to save or protect from further harm?
Do I want revenge?
Do I want them struck off a professional register?
Should they be stopped from accessing people eg sports coaches, tutors etc?
Do I feel there may be other victims who would feel empowered to step forward if I tell my story?
Do I need to take back a sense of agency/personal power, and feel like I’m back in the driving seat?
Do I need to clear my own name?
Do they need exposing to stop their influence over other people?
Is there a bigger issue at stake?
Do I feel the need need to address a system or individuals who helped to enable the grooming?
What else? (A number of victims reported losing custody of their children in our research, for example. Clearing their own name and getting back custody is, for them, a priority.)
There are no right or wrong answers, simply honest ones. The more honest you can be with yourself and the people around you/helping you, the more they can act to help you (and/or put up objections, of course).
Don’t fear the objections.
Some may be valid reasons - speak up and someone else may suffer, for example.
This doesn’t have to derail you, it simply allows you to plan in a way that minimises risk.
Some people will simply display a lack of understanding of trauma - “just move on, leave it behind you” may be what THEY genuinely believe is best for you/them.
But this is YOUR LIFE, YOUR experience, YOUR story.
You can choose to listen or take heed - or not. YOUR CHOICE. Do what feels right for you.
Tell the police?
If you are in any way, shape or form going to reveal (adult) grooming somewhere, we recommend that you tell the police what has happened.
Groomers are often one step ahead of the game:
they can use the law - harrassment for example- to try and silence you officially (gagging orders, restraining orders etc, however undeserved)
they often make their victims somhow complicit in the things they do, reducing the chances that you will tell - an overstay visa somewhere, a petty theft, prostitution, group sex, unfaithfulness, photos….
If you are about to take action against a groomer, whatever that action may look like, it can often pay to make sure their wrongdoing is on record.
Get a case number.
The police will rarely act on adult grooming. You are over 18 and if it’s sexual grooming, they will often see this as consensual sex, lacking the resources to investigate it as coercive control. If you were trafficked, a long process of providing the evidence may ensue. If you were raped as part of the grooming, they may ask you to record to camera (even if it’s unlikely that they’ll take action). They may or may not take action and you may or may not decide to press charges.
Cases of ‘love fraud’ (grooming for money - theft) are the most likely to see action are - easier to measure, trace, investigate and prosecute.
But whatever the grooming looked like, do try and get something on record, because when you tell, the chances of your prepetrator reacting can, in our experience, be high. If the police take action and you want want to pursue a prosecution, great. But more importantly at this stage is having something on record. Based on experience, there is a strong case for ‘first mover advantage’.
Groomers will often themselves report their victims the moment they get a hint that they may be ‘busted’ them. For the victim, if they have beaten you to reporting, this means that you will be viewed differently when you walk into the police station.
For example, you may not get a lot of sympathy reporting adult sexual grooming. There’s every chance officers will write this off as a broken relationship. But it’s a lot better reporting up front than going in and reporting than when there’s already something on record about you being a mad ex harrassing them. If you have already reported when your groomer tries to make claims against you, you are less likely to find the law (for example harrassment or stalking) used against you.
This is not an official police line, of course. Everything should be treated seriously in theory. It’s merely an observation that may help protect you from later harm. Being disbelieved can be every bit as traumatic as the events that lead you to report in the first place.
Reporting to your groomer’s workplace
This is where you do need to act with caution. Questions that might help you make a sound decision include:
Are they in a profession where they should be expected to be held to higher account? (Think police officer, doctor/medical professional, solicitor or judge, teacher or university professor.)
Do they have access to other people like you who you fear they may do the same too?
Have they brought their profession into disrepute?
Did they use work property (computers, buildings, expense accounts)?
5. Are they related to (competitors, suppliers, buyers, customers) the company that you work for? How will this fall with them and with your company if this is the case?
6.What do you hope to acheive by contacting their workplace? Is there a legitimate reason to want the workplace to know? (Revenge alone may feel satisfying to you, but could land you in hot water yourself, rather than them.)
7.If you want to find out more, to understand the groomer better, think carefully about how any request for information may be received, who you plan to ask, and what it might do to the perpetrator’s career (for legal reasons, not moral ones!).
If they work in the same place as you….
Before you disclose at work, there are a lot of questions to ask yourself….
Are there company policies in place?
How valuable to the company is your groomer?
How valuable to the company are you?
Have you seen other people tell/whistleblow about anything at the company? How was it received? How was it dealt with?
Is your groomer more senior than you? If so, are they more likely to be believed by other managers?
Is the company culture going to be supportive of and disclosures or not?
Would you be safer getting a new job before reporting?
What evidence and support do you have for any claims and who will need to see it?
Do you have a union that can/would support you? Is it worth running things past them first?
How likely is it that you will be sacrificing your career by telling?
How supported are you likely to be if you decide to tell? How would you feel/be left if your supporters failed to back you when ‘the push comes to the shove’? (Sometimes people who want to support you can’t because of their own situations. Whilst they morally support you, sometimes they can’t do this in public due to their own circumstances.)
Only you can make the decision, sadly.
Telling the groomer’s family
Telling their family may seem logical - you may feel, for example, that a wronged spouse has a right to know the truth.
But before you take this step, there are some questions to ask yourself:
Why do you want to tell them?
What do you hope to acheive? What would you like to happen?
Are you putting yourself at risk of retaliation or harm?
How do you think they’ll react? How can you protect yourself if they do?
5.Are you members of the same church or religious community? If so, what might be the fall out for you?
6.Are their children friends with yours? What might the consequences be and how can you mitigate this?
7.Do you already know their family members? Are there valued friendships that might be put under strain? Is there anything you can do to help protect any friendships you value before exposing the truth?
Sometimes groomer’s families and friends will apply pressure on you not to reveal the truth. This is unfair, you are the wronged party, but no-one can stop them trying. They may tell you that someone in the family is ill or vulnerable. That it will destroy someone.
This is not your guilt to hold. The groomers should have thought of this before doing what they did.
A few truths to remember are:
the groomer’s family, whilst perhaps seeming friendly, are not first and foremost your friends, and are very unlikely to become so once they have acheived their goal of silencing you. They will be protecting the reputation and peace of their own families. You did not cause this situation and it is up to the groomer, not you, to fix it;
if they have already been harmed by the groomer’s behaviour, they may or may not be glad to hear from you. If there are court actions pending, you may be asked to give evidence to support them. No-one, however, can oblige you to. (We would encourage you to, but that’s entirely up to ypu and your personal set of circumstances.)
these are people who will probably disappear from your life once the initial disclosure settles;
they may have information about the groomer that puts your experience into context. They will often be the person who tells you that you are not the first to experience this behaviour. They may also give you an indication about how dangerous a particular perpetrator is likely to be to you and yours. Bear in mind, however, that they may also use this threat and exaggerate it to try and silence you.
This is tough - on top of negotiating a bad experience, you are now also trying to navigate what is the truth of the situation and what to do next.
It’s OK to take your time.
Telling your family
Telling YOUR family what has happened, despite it being the simplest thing on the face of it, can be one of the hardest things to do.
Keeping it from them may cause strains. Telling them may cause rifts.
Only you can decide whether to tell, but these questions may help you make those decisions.
Have you parted with money, goods or services to your groomer that belonged to them?
Have they parted with money, goods or services to your groomer because of an association with you? Or you because of the groomer’s asssociation with them?
Were they friends with your groomer? Did they know them socially, or through sports or religious groups?
Were they used by the groomer to get to you, or to play a part in the grooming?
Did any children get to know your groomer? If so, how could any effect on them be minimised?
How do you think they’ll react?
Did you do anything that they are likely to disapprove of - for example, if you were groomed and pimped out, how will they view that? As prostitution? What are their views on this?
How would you feel if they were to make light of the grooming, tell you to ‘get over it’ or say ‘I’m sure that can’t be true….’?
Are they generally supportive people?
How close are you to them?
What effect will knowing have on them?
What effect will them knowing have on you?
What do you want/need from them, and how will you feel if you don’t get the expected response?
Telling a sports club or society
Most sports organisations have safeguarding policies, not just those with children.
The realities of reporting are sometimes a little different to the policies and presentations, but you should be heard and taken seriously. Have as many details as possible, with proof wherever possible, to make the club’s job of dealing with this easier and faster.
Questions to consider include:
Does the club have a safeguarding policy? If so, does it give details of who to approach and how? Is there someone senior who seems safe to you who might help you report?
Is the groomer a coach or in a position of authority? Or are they another member?
What do you want the outcome to be?
What information/proof can you offer to help the club to act on your report?
Is the perpetrator a star or popular player? If so, what will be the effect of you reporting? What can you do to protect yourself from any potential backlash?
Is leaving, finding a new ‘safe’ club and reporting as you leave an option? (Only suggested if reporting doesn’t feel safe - you are the wronged party, not them.)
Do you have support within the club that would make reporting easier for you? Is there someone who can support you through this? (Look for the helpers and people you feel you can trust. Look at their relationships within the club and to the perpetrator.)
Has the perpetrator done this before to your knowledge? Does it FEEL safe to ask around? If they have, this should strengthen your resolve to report.
Is there a league or sports body that you can report to if no action is taken at a local level?
Is the perpetrator likely to be physically violent?
How often are you alone with the perpetrator? Is there anything that can be done to avoid or minimise this?
Are there security cameras in the club?
These questions reflect the fact that reporting isn’t always easy. They are here to help you decide who to report to, if you decide to report, and to plan/create some safe spaces for yourself whilst allowing you to enjoy the club without fear.
Reporting a tutor or lecturer
Tutors and lecturers hold an imbalance of power. Relationships with their students are usually a form of grooming.
Unfortunately, not every college or university sees it that way, and many don’t have policies in place.
A policy in place will mean that the tutor/lecturer can face disciplinary action. Having no policy should not deter you from reporting.
If there’s a college/university policy, does it say who and where to report to? (It is not automatic and many universities don’t have policies governing lecturer relationships with students.)
Has the tutor/lecturer faced similar allegations previously? Is the previous claimant available to talk to you?
Is the offender’s behaviour an ‘open secret’ with students?
What evidence do you have, if any? Can you present it calmly and in an orderly/coherent manner? Do you need help with this?
Does the offender have any power over your grades or ability to complete your course?
Do you have a Student’s Union that you could talk with? They may be able to provide you with support. Our experience has been that Students’ Unions can offer very positive advice and support.
How do you think family and friends will react? Who can be relied on for support? What challenges may you face?
Do you have access to any legal support or advice?
When someone has power over our courses, they have power over our futures.
Speaking up is important, but you also have the right NOT to speak up if that’s what feels safest for you.