How to:
Disclosure
Deciding who and what to tell
Part of the CAAGe ‘Life After Grooming’ Series
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On this page (Contents)
We’ve taken an almost workbook approach on your behalf at CAAGe.
Deciding who to tell - or not to tell - and how is one of the single most important decisions you will make after being groomed. Some of these questions may not be relevant for you. Others may resonate differently. And we’re trying to cover a lot of different types of grooming on a single page.
You’re in control. You decide what to reveal and who to. This is is simply a few prompts to help YOU get the best outcome for YOU.
When we first started CAAGe, we’d have advocated for everyone getting their story out there. Today we’re more circumspect.
The truth, learned by bitter experience, is that you should make the choices about what to disclose and to whom based on information and what’s right for YOU. Whilst it’s natural to be concerned about other people being affected by the same thing if you leave your groomer ‘undisclosed’, the very people that you are trying to protect can/may turn on you rather than supporting you, no matter what capacity they are helping in. May! Not always, of course.
That’s why we’re asking these questions and making notes on things for you to consider given your own set of circumstances and understanding of the situation.
A few principles to consider:
You owe nothing to anyone except yourself. The grooming was the fault of the groomer. You do not have to become a superhero and save the rest of the World unless that’s right for you.
People will surprise you. Some may react/act in the ways you anticipate. Others may surprise you by being lovely when you least expected, or victim blaming when you expected empathy. That’s on them, not you. Their decisions may affect you. But however hard it may seem, try not to let them live, rent free, in your brain. If you trust them, and they breach that trust, that speaks volumes about them, not you. (And they can do this with good intent, of course.)
Whatever you expect the justice system to be, it probably isn’t. ‘Justice’ is a big word. In the UK we have a legal system. Whilst headway is being made by advocates and legal professionals, it remains an uncomfortable truth that it is known as the ‘criminal justice system’ for a reason. Quite rightly, we don’t want people wrongly incarcerated or having their lives destroyed. This can be very harsh on victims.
Expect to feel a little ‘lonely’ or ‘on your own’ at times. This is a normal part of life, and part of the process of healing. And yes, we all need to heal. Finding out you’ve been groomed is like a knife cut: sometimes the wound will be superficial and heal quickly, allowing you to go on almost as normal, just an inconvenients blip. Other times it will cut deep and maybe even be life threatening. Either way, if you don’t treat the wound, at least clean it up, it may get infected, leaving you with bigger problems. Don’t let the groomer win by not looking after yourself. They’ve done enough already.
Your story is yours. You can tell it your way, and the better you do this, the better the outcome will be. This is hard when you are shocked, tired, traumatised. It’s OK to take your time and do things at a pace that’s right for you.
This is not a competition. What’s happened to you personally may (outwardly) not seem as serious as someone who has been trafficked and physically abused, for example, or vice versa. Don’t compare. Someone in the latter situation may be so grateful to be released that they are left with nothing but relief. Someone who has been duped into sex with someone once - seemingly legally and consensually - as part of a groomer’s powerplay may not seem to be on the same scale of injury from the outside looking in, but the betrayal of their personal values and self questioning may cause the victim lifelong damage. Or vice versa. Your experience is yours.
Look for the helpers. There are always helpers. It may take time to find them. It may be hit and miss when you are dealing with organisations offering help. (We include ourselves at CAAGe in this. We don’t always have the resources to help as much as we would like.) But this sector is full of people with lived experience trying to help others find their way. Help is there. It may just take a while to find the right person. Stick with it.
Sometimes disclosure can feel more traumatising than the grooming itself, even keep you stuck in a cycle of constantly dealing with the fallout, but considered carefully in advance, telling your story, your way means you have some degree of control, are prepared for ny backlash, and can decide what you do, and don’t want to reveal.
Who to tell, how to tell, where and when to tell, IF to tell are your decisions, and yours alone. And important.
Do what’s right for you, and at CAAGe we hope these questions may help.
Who groomed me?
Do I know them and their families/friends?
If they are embedded into my life, how will a disclosure sit with the people around me? Can /will the groomer poison their thoughts? What could help reduce the effect of this?
Would disclosure be dangerous for me or anyone around me? Is there anything I can do to lessen that risk?
Is the groomer vindictive, psychopathic, violent?
Do you really know who they are? Do you think they may have lied about being in a relationship/married? Have they used their real name?
If you are unsure about who your groomer really is, Google is - or can be - your friend. (Other search engines are, of course, available!)
It’s not stalking to look up their name and their telephone number in a search and a reverse search image will tell you if they are using other names/aliases. You have been groomed and this is important information
What do I believe my groomer wants/wanted?
Are they likely to do it again? If they groomed to get information to steal a valuable painting in a daring museum heist, for example, chances are they won’t do it again unless stealing to order. If they’ve groomed for power, control or money, there may be every chance they’ll be repeat offenders.
Have they acheived what they set out to do? If not, what might they do to acheive their goals?
Am I safe? Are those around me safe?
Does their aim affect other people? If so, would warning those people be an option? What problems could contacting them cause for me or others? Remember, it’s not a duty for you to put yourself at risk to warn others. Do what’s right and safe, weighing up any potential costs and benefits (both financial and personal).
It’s alright not to know what they really wanted.
Not everyone does. Not everyone wants to.
If they ‘pimped’ you, lured you into a cult or stole your money, that may form part of the answer. You may know, feel or sense that there is more. And it’s OK to feel pity for them as well as the other emotions you’re feeling.
But, whilst obvious, it may just be part of the picture. Sometimes you may feel like Alice in Wonderland or the White Rabbit - fallen down a hole into a parallel World where reality is very different to what you expect.
Finding out what they wanted may be part of your personal journey to recovery. It may equally be better for you to leave it alone and try to move on. Your choice.
Criminality?
Was anything the groomer did illegal? (Does location matter?)
Have they done illegal things that are unrelated to their grooming, such as tax evasion or theft?
What evidence do I have - or could I obtain - if I chose to disclose?
What would/could/might happen if the police were involved?
Has the groomer made me in some way complicit? And if so, would the consequences be less if I came clean now rather than waiting to potentially be caught?
What harms are being/have been created? (Driving too fast is illegal, but would you report someone for speeding on an empty motorway at night?)
How many people are involved in the grooming?
Would telling the police create a risk for you? Can that be mitigated (made less)?
Would telling the police create risk(s) to anyone else?
Do you need legal support?
There are CAAGe guides in development on this site that might help you:
What do I want to acheive?
What you hope to acheive by disclosing what has happened will vary with your situation, and with time.
But knowing what you want to acheive, rather than just reacting, can save you a lot of time, heartache and money.
Some questions/pointers, might include:
Do I need some counselling while I try and make sense of what happened? (And to help me work out how and if disclosing is right for me.)
If the groomer(s) took money, am I trying to recoup my losses?
Am I trying to stop them doing this again, or to someone else?
Is there someone I am trying to save or protect from further harm?
Do I want revenge?
Do I want them struck off a professional register?
Should they be stopped from accessing people eg sports coaches, tutors etc?
Do I feel there may be other victims who would feel empowered to step forward if I tell my story?
Do I need to take back a sense of agency/personal power, and feel like I’m back in the driving seat?
Do I need to clear my own name?
Do they need exposing to stop their influence over other people?
Is there a bigger issue at stake?
Do I feel the need need to address a system or individuals who helped to enable the grooming?
What else? (A number of victims reported losing custody of their children in our research, for example. Clearing their own name and getting back custody is, for them, a priority.)
There are no right or wrong answers, simply honest ones. The more honest you can be with yourself and the people around you/helping you, the more they can act to help you (and/or put up objections, of course).
Don’t fear the objections.
Some may be valid reasons - speak up and someone else may suffer, for example. This doesn’t have to derail you, it simply allows you to plan in a way that minimises risk. Some just display a lack of understanding of trauma - “just move on, leave it behind you” may be what they genuinely believe is best for you/them.
But this is your life, your experience, your story. You can choose to listen or take heed - or not. Your choice.
2025
New York
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Former Customer