The Lexicon of Abuse: Trauma Bonding
The term ‘trauma bonding’ is attributed to pschologist Patrick Carnes, a specialist in addiction and recovery, in the 1990s. He used the term to describe the dysfunctional attachment that can form between an individual and their abuser, particularly in the context of addiction and exploitive relationships.
Today ‘Trauma bonding’ is often used to describe the complex and often harmful bond that can develop between individuals who have experienced trauma together.
In either case it can be difficult to break, but with the right support and resources, it is possible to establish healthy relationships and move forward from the trauma.
The bond is formed when one person becomes emotionally attached to the other due to the shared experience of trauma. The trauma could be anything from experiencing a natural disaster, surviving a violent attack, or dealing with abuse.
Trauma bonding often occurs in situations where two people are dependent on each other to survive or to cope with their trauma. This dependency can make it difficult for either person to break free from the relationship, even if it is abusive or toxic.
The reasons trauma bonding can be so difficult to break include:
the attachment can create a sense of comfort and safety in an otherwise traumatic environment;
the feeling of isolation that often accompanies trauma;
only they can truly understand what the other has been through. which creates a sense of exclusivity;
the trauma creator has groomed their target into believing that they can’t exist without them.
Breaking a trauma bond can be incredibly challenging and may require professional help. It often involves recognizing the toxic patterns in the relationship and learning to establish healthy boundaries. It may also involve finding support outside of the relationship and seeking therapy to address underlying trauma.
The term ‘trauma bonding’ is not universally accepted in all clinical settings, but the underlying concept (an unhealthy attachment formed through abuse) is widely acknowledged/recognised.
Often the challenge stems from the reality that the relationship is not always bad. There can be periods of harmony, connection, and peace.
Trauma bonding speaks to the unpalatable truth that sometimes grooming feels good to the vistim while it’s happening - because the groomer has deliberately lead the target to believe in the relationship as something that’s good for them, whilst hiding part or all of the truth.
The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding
There are seven commonly recognised stages of trauma bonding. What starts as a seemingly excellent relationship becomes an abusive dynamic. The slow progression explains in part how the bond can profoundly impact a victim, their perception of reality, and their self belief.
Love bombing - the flattery and promise of something great to come; makes the target lower their guard; they start to believe in a “perfect partner”. This manipulation is designed to create strong emotional attachment early in the relationship.
Trust and dependency - purposefully earning the target’s trust; making the target feel guilty for having any doubts. Intermittent reinforcement—mixing moments of exaggerated affection with periods of neglect/abuse—the target starts relying emotionally on their abuser for validation and support;
Criticism/degradation - emotional abusers identify a trait in their target as problematic, and blame them; they may even get them to behave out of character, doing things they would never normally do; the target may end up over-apologizing for things unnecessarily - this comes with accompanying, destructive feelings of guilt;
Gaslighting and manipulation - the abuser gains power and control by making victims question their own reality and perceptions; the abuser may shut down, become avoidant, and withhold love, affection and/or attention to make the victim apologise; the victim doubts themselves
Resignation/acceptance - targets of abuse often start giving in at some point to avoid conflict often bargaining or people-pleasing to try get things onto an even keel. Whilst the target may be aware of some manipulation, they will be encouraged to question whether they are to blame for the current situation;
Loss of self - there is a progressive loss of self, a loss of personal identity and broken personal boundarie; the changes in’peronality’ mean that people close to the target start to not recognise them or their behaviours. The target’s coping mechanisms might include denial or rationalising the abuser’s behaviour. The victim may suffer a complete loss of confidence, feel depressed or suicidal, and have a sense of shame and/or guilt, even believing that they deserve the shabby treatment;
Addiction to the cycle - the trauma bonding stages are often cyclical: a honeymoon period, making up, after confñict or split. The victim then often apologises, and then starts back with the the love-bombing process all over again. They feel relieved, desired, happy, euphoric, reinforcing their dependency on this cycle. However, an alternative ending to the cycle is possible if they recognise the issue and try and seek help. (This usually has to come from the victim themselves - pressure from the outside can play into the abusers hands, allowing them to create an us v. them with the person or people trying to help.)
